The Polite Gentleman's Guide to the London Vapors

Artifact

THE POLITE GENTLEMAN'S GUIDE TO THE LONDON VAPORS (1884 Edition) I. On the Proper Salutation of the Mists When encountering a localized condensation of the Vapors upon the pavement, a gentleman must maintain his composure. Should the mist exhibit a rhythmic pulsing, a full removal of the top hat is mandatory. This gesture signals a lack of aggression. A mere tilt of the brim suffices for drifting currents, but a pulsing mass demands full deference. Failure to acknowledge the entity may result in an abrupt assimilation of the lower extremities, which is most inconvenient for one's tailoring. II. Auditory Decorum Whistling is strictly forbidden, particularly within the East End. It is not merely a habit of the lower classes; it is a beacon. To whistle is to invite the Vapors to sample one's consciousness. Such a lapse in judgment reflects poorly upon one's upbringing and often leads to a permanent state of catatonic transparency. Silence is the only acceptable response to the whispers emanating from the fog. III. Vestimentary Requirements To prevent the seepage of the Vapors into the metaphysical essence (the soul), specific garment specifications are required. A lining of silver-threaded silk is recommended for all frock coats. High, stiff collars are not merely fashion; they prevent the Vapors from entering through the carotid artery. Exposed wrists are considered a grave breach of propriety and a vulnerability to essence-drain; therefore, cufflinks must be tightened to a precise seal. IV. The Management of Loss Should a companion be subsumed by a sudden fog-bank during a promenade, the remaining party must avoid outcry. Screaming is uncouth. One should simply note the time and location of the disappearance, then proceed to the nearest tea room. It is considered poor form to attempt a rescue once the Vapors have achieved a cohesive grip. Such efforts are usually futile and frequently result in the loss of a second, equally expensive coat.