Manual for the Care and Feeding of Domesticated Storms

fiction

A Note to the Novice If you are reading this, you have likely acquired a cumulonimbus seedling and are now terrified of the humidity in your foyer. Most beginners are. You have probably already considered returning your specimen to the breeder, which is the only sensible decision for those lacking a basic grasp of atmospheric pressure. However, if you insist on attempting weather-keeping, follow these instructions precisely. I cannot be held responsible for the structural integrity of your ceiling should you decide to improvise. Containment and Housing Your storm must be housed in a silvered glass canister. Do not confuse this with standard mirrored glass. Silvered borosilicate is required to reflect the internal lightning strikes back into the core; otherwise, you will find your wallpaper charred and your curtains smoldering within the hour. The canister must be sealed with a leaden gasket and a pressure-sensitive valve. Ensure the canister is placed on a reinforced marble plinth. A storm is not merely air; it possesses a localized gravitational weight that will crack a pine coffee table in three days. If you notice the glass beginning to frost at the edges, your containment is too small. Move the storm to a larger vessel immediately or prepare for a localized flash flood in your parlor. Nutritional Requirements Storms do not eat in the biological sense, but they require a steady influx of ionized minerals to maintain their electrical potential. A starving storm becomes translucent and lethargic, eventually collapsing into a damp, useless fog. Feed your storm a mixture of cobalt-enriched salts and magnesium-sulfate crystals twice weekly. These should be introduced via the feeding port using a non-conductive ceramic scoop. Do not use metal utensils. Unless you enjoy the sensation of a thousand needles piercing your palm, you will keep all conductive materials at a distance of three feet. A healthy thunderhead should exhibit a deep, charcoal hue with occasional, crisp bursts of violet light. If the storm turns a sickly yellow, you have overfed it. Cease all mineral intake for a fortnight. Emotional Synchronization This is where the amateur typically fails. Storms are empathic conduits. They do not have personalities of their own; instead, they mirror the emotional state of the primary caregiver. This is known as synchronization. If you are prone to sudden outbursts of temper, your storm will reflect this through erratic pressure drops and violent thunderclaps. I have seen many a novice ruin their hardwoods because they had a disagreement with a spouse while standing too close to the canister. To maintain a serene, drifting mist, you must maintain a state of clinical detachment. If you feel a surge of anger, leave the room. If you weep, expect a torrential downpour inside the glass. Should the storm begin to synchronize with a negative emotion, do not attempt to soothe it with affection. This only adds emotional complexity to the system. Instead, introduce a stabilizing dose of argon gas to dampen the electrical activity. Once the storm has settled into a neutral grey, you may resume your duties. Try to be less volatile; your storm is watching.