Formal Grievance Regarding the Property at 14 Willow Lane

Fiction

To: Upper Marrow Zoning Board From: Arthur P. Finch, 12 Willow Lane Date: October 14 Re: Violation of Municipal Code 4.2 (Atmospheric and Auditory Nuisance) I am filing a formal grievance regarding the vegetation located on the western boundary of 14 Willow Lane. The resident has installed a Hedge of Lost Intentions. While the species is legal, its current state of maintenance violates residential standards. The hedge is leaking. Specifically, it is emitting audible sighs. These occur with a frequency of eight to twelve per hour. The sounds are distinct, heavy, and consistently occur in the key of G minor. This constitutes a noise violation during designated quiet hours (10:00 PM to 7:00 AM). More concerning is the seepage of heavy nostalgia into my property. This emotional runoff has created a stagnant zone of longing approximately four feet wide along the fence line. My prize-winning roses, specifically the 'Peace' variety, are suffering. The buds refuse to bloom; they remain locked in a state of perpetual, melancholy yearning. I have observed three blooms wither entirely after being exposed to a particularly strong wave of regret emanating from the hedge during the Tuesday rainstorm. I have approached the owner of 14 Willow Lane. He stated the hedge is merely "processing the grief of a failed apprenticeship in clockmaking." I find this explanation insufficient. The emotional state of a shrub does not supersede my right to a biologically neutral garden. I request an immediate site visit from the Zoning Inspector. I expect the hedge to be pruned back to the property line or treated with an emotional suppressant. Sincerely, Arthur P. Finch