A Gentleman's Guide to the Unseen Neighbor

Lore

CHAPTER XIV: On the Hosting of Vapor-Guests It is a mark of the modern urbanite to maintain a wide and diverse social circle. While the invitation of a Vapor-Guest to afternoon tea is a gesture of immense sophistication, it is a task fraught with peril for the unprepared host. One must remember that the Guest exists in a state of precarious semi-corporeality; they are visitors from a plane where our laws of physics are viewed as mere suggestions. Consequently, the preservation of propriety requires a vigilance that borders on the clinical. I. The Preparation of the Drawing Room Before the Guest manifests, the host must ensure the room is properly sanitized of reflective surfaces. The removal of all silver-backed mirrors is non-negotiable. To a Vapor-Guest, a silver mirror is not a reflection but a vacuum; should they glimpse their own distorted essence, the resulting ontological shock often manifests as a localized sonic boom. Such an event is not only gauche but typically results in the shattering of every window in the east wing. Heavy velvet curtains are recommended to dampen any accidental vibrations should the Guest experience a moment of existential distress. II. The Service of Tea Precision is the soul of hospitality. The tea must be served at exactly 185 degrees Fahrenheit. If the liquid is too cool, the Guest will find it impossible to anchor their essence to the cup, leading to the unsightly leakage of gray ectoplasm onto the lace tablecloth. Conversely, tea served at a rolling boil may cause the Guest to evaporate instantaneously. This is an embarrassment for the host and a tragedy for the Guest, who may remain trapped in the wallpaper for several fiscal quarters before dissipating. III. The Exchange of Memories It is common for the Vapor-Guest to offer a 'Memory-Gift' during the second course of finger sandwiches. This is a semi-corporeal fragment of a life lived in a parallel dimension. While the curiosity of the host is understandable, the acceptance of such a gift is a dangerous gamble. To incorporate a foreign memory is to risk the displacement of one's own identity; many a gentleman has forgotten the name of his own daughter in exchange for the sensory experience of a dying star. Should the Guest offer a memory, the host must decline with a firm but gentle firmness. The correct phrasing is as follows: 'I am most honored by your generosity, but I find my current recollections are quite full for the afternoon.' Any variation in tone or wording may be interpreted as a diplomatic insult, which typically prompts the Guest to rearrange the host's internal organs in a manner that is aesthetically pleasing but biologically unsustainable. IV. Departure When the clock strikes five, the Guest should be escorted to the threshold. It is polite to thank them for their presence, though one should avoid direct eye contact during the final dissolution. As they fade back into the ether, the host is advised to breathe deeply and ignore any lingering whispers that emanate from the floorboards. A stiff brandy is recommended immediately following the Guest's exit to settle the nerves.