The Probate of the Unquiet

Fiction

STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS COUNTY OF MIDDLESEX PROBATE COURT, DISTRICT OF LOWELL CASE NO: 1924-PV-882 ESTATE OF ELIAS THORNE (DECEASED) AFFIDAVIT OF THE EXECUTOR I, Arthur Penhaligon, Esq., being duly sworn, do hereby depose and state: That in my capacity as appointed executor of the Estate of Elias Thorne, I have encountered unprecedented obstacles in the liquidation of said assets. Since the interment of the deceased on November 12, 1923, the residence at 14 Blackwood Lane has remained occupied by a spectral manifestation of the decedent. This entity possesses a distressing preoccupation with the ledger books. On four separate occasions, I have found the inkwells overturned and the pages of the property deed systematically dampened. When I attempted to finalize the sale of the western acreage, the entity manifested as a translucent vapor and proceeded to blow the signing pen from my hand. I submit that the decedent is intentionally obstructing the legal process to maintain a perceived stewardship over the grounds. I request a judicial order for a spiritual eviction or, failing that, a waiver of the standard timeline for probate completion. *** AFFIDAVIT OF THE SURVIVING SPOUSE I, Beatrice Thorne, widow of the deceased, do hereby swear under penalty of perjury: That the presence of the spirit of my late husband has rendered the domestic management of the manor untenable. While the executor complains of ink, I am forced to contend with a most tedious domestic sabotage. The decedent has developed an obsession with the dining room service. Every morning, regardless of the care taken by the staff, I find the silverware rearranged in a manner that is wholly incorrect for a formal luncheon. The salad forks are consistently placed to the left of the dinner forks; the dessert spoons are shifted three inches to the right. It is a petty, masculine insistence on a dining etiquette that he never actually mastered in life. I find this haunting to be less a matter of grief and more a matter of continued harassment. I ask the court to recognize these disturbances as a breach of the peace within my primary residence. *** AFFIDAVIT OF THE DECEDENT I, Elias Thorne, being presently deceased but still possessing a legal interest in my own holdings, do hereby state: That I shall not vacate the premises, nor shall I cease my interference with the aforementioned parties, until a formal apology is issued regarding the wake of November 15. The refreshments provided by the family were an affront to the dignity of my passing. The cucumber sandwiches were devoid of butter, resulting in a texture akin to wet cardboard. Furthermore, the sherry was a third-rate vintage, likely purchased from a discount cellar in the village. I observed my widow sipping it with an air of satisfaction while I was forced to endure the olfactory offense of cheap grapes. If the survivors believe they can inherit the Thorne fortune while serving such pedestrian fare at a funeral, they are sorely mistaken. I will move every fork in the house; I will blot every page of the ledger; I will scream into the ventilation shafts until the catering failure is acknowledged in writing. I remain, in spirit and in spite, the master of the house.